GIANT BADGERS have been unleashed by the British in southern Iraq to savage the locals...
Meanwhile Iranian intelligence operatives have arrested OVER A DOZEN SQUIRRELS who were serving as spies for Western powers determined to undermine the Islamic Republic.
Now you may think that this is all highly unlikely, but it is well documented that the Royal Air Force (Gawd Bless 'em) planned to use SUICIDE PIGEONS to kill the bosche (in WWII, of course, such things are frowned upon now, even in the RAF), so there's a clear precedent. I for one intend to write to the MoD and demand answers. First among which is 'How many British soldiers are currently hospitalised with Badger and Squirrel bite injuries?'
Now, not being the most litterary of people, I was obliged to look up the 'Cry Havoc' quote in order to get the grammar right, and found a website that claims that 'HAVOC!' was an order in the middle ages, used to direct the soldiery 'to pillage and chaos'.
This cannot be correct.
What self respecting soldier, anywhere, in any army in any age, required an order to engage in pillage and chaos!
Thursday, 19 July 2007
Tuesday, 17 July 2007
Float like a butterfly, sting like like a jihadee...
The Hamas Mikey Mouse look-a-like who was recently beaten to death live on telly by a man in a jew-suit (see post below) has been replaced. By a man in a bumblebee suit. Possibly the same man, who knows?
'Nahool' the bumblebee says:
Hmm, seems pefectly reasonable to me. I wonder when he'll get swatted by an Evil Zionist and what he'll be replaced with when he does...
A bumblebee: The symbolism is not lost on us: 'One sting wonder' which snuffs it in the process of creating mild annoyance for those around it.
'Nahool' the bumblebee says:
“I want to continue the path of Farfur... I and my friends shall continue the path of Farfur….the path of martyrdom, the path of the Jihad warriors…and in his name we shall take revenge upon the enemies of Allah……..until [the] Al-Aksa (mosque in Jerusalem) will be liberated from their filth.”
Hmm, seems pefectly reasonable to me. I wonder when he'll get swatted by an Evil Zionist and what he'll be replaced with when he does...
A bumblebee: The symbolism is not lost on us: 'One sting wonder' which snuffs it in the process of creating mild annoyance for those around it.
Sunday, 15 July 2007
Man Reading a Letter on Paddington Station
The war memorial at Paddington Station commemorating the 2,254 employees of the Great Western Railway who died in WWI.The sculptor was Capt. Charles Sargeant Jagger, MC. (MC stands for Military Cross, the second highest decoration for bravery in the British military). I don't know a lot about Jagger, and would like to find out more - for example how he won his MC. As I find out more, I will post it here.
What is clear is that the man was a genius. This is very much a soldiers' war memorial: It shows soldiers as they generally are: over-burdened with clothing and equipment, subject to the vagaries of the weather and above all, deeply concerned about what is going on at home, and how their loved ones are coping.
There is nothing to suggest gung-ho patriotism here, and in this way it stands in stark contrast to many other memorials. The first world war, rather like the one we are fighting now, seems to have lacked any great ideological basis - we are not fighting for civilisation in the face of National Socialism, for example. When we make our war memorial for our current war, surely it must take its measure from this one, focusing on the very human sacrifices that were made, rather than the rather less than noble cause in which they were made...
I am intrigued by the possible contents of that letter. Is it his wife telling him that his children are doing well at school? Is it his mother passing on news from home?
In my experience, the best letters to receive are the ones that tell you that the garden is looking good, that the cat has put on a lot of weight, and that the pot-hole outside the front gate has been filled in by the council. In short, the ones that say 'life is how it should be, nothing of any particular interest has happened here, and all is well'.
Believe me, please, when I tell you that for all my altruistic desire to help humankind, my Parents' Cat's weight problem is, at the end of a long day, of far greater importance to me than the welfare of the people of Basra, or the possibility that we might be soon come under rocket fire again.
If you're in London, stop and look out for him, on Platform One, reading that letter. Londoners barge passed each other beneath him, knowing, for the most part, nothing of any kind of sacrifice, little of genuine suffering.
Hull: Even more fucked-up than previously suspected?
I'm 90% sure I heard this on Radio 4 on Friday. Then again I might have dreamt it.
People in Hull are sawing up flood damaged furniture that has been piled up outside their houses 'so that looters don't steal things'.
Which of the following statements are true?
1. People in Hull are even more fucked up than I ever suspected.
2. People in Hull have a very strange definition of 'looting'.
3. People in Hull are scamming bastards, trying to get new furniture through insurance / govt handout.
When I was a small child my Brother told me that if you drop a sweet or a crisp on the street you had to stamp on it 'to make sure the tramps don't get it'. Perhaps this mentality survives into adulthood in some people.
My feelings toward Hull are a little warped to begin with, having dated a daughter of the city a few years ago. Her dad got very ill and as a result I spent 3 days in Hull hospital. I've lived in some fairly grim bits of the world, and the only experience which bares comparison with Hull hospital is a stint in prison in Egypt. And even there the people were freindlier and the hygeine standards were better.
People in Hull are sawing up flood damaged furniture that has been piled up outside their houses 'so that looters don't steal things'.
Which of the following statements are true?
1. People in Hull are even more fucked up than I ever suspected.
2. People in Hull have a very strange definition of 'looting'.
3. People in Hull are scamming bastards, trying to get new furniture through insurance / govt handout.
When I was a small child my Brother told me that if you drop a sweet or a crisp on the street you had to stamp on it 'to make sure the tramps don't get it'. Perhaps this mentality survives into adulthood in some people.
My feelings toward Hull are a little warped to begin with, having dated a daughter of the city a few years ago. Her dad got very ill and as a result I spent 3 days in Hull hospital. I've lived in some fairly grim bits of the world, and the only experience which bares comparison with Hull hospital is a stint in prison in Egypt. And even there the people were freindlier and the hygeine standards were better.
Friday, 13 July 2007
Flame Retardant Thai Whores etc., etc., etc...
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(that's the tree in the picture opposite which is revered by locals in some dump in Texas, apparently).
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OK, I know that it's distinctly unlikely that you've ever seen the Virgin Mary, but do you think that this tree looks like anything that could conceivably be any kind of woman, let alone one who lived 2,000+ years ago in a place far away and never got laid?
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I must say I can't see it myself. Call me a sceptic, but I don't think that the Virgin Mary had a stubby trunk, seven branches, leaves and a stump.
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Would you believe that some moron stuck a firework in her 'hollow' and set her on fire? (follow the link above if you don't believe me, or wish to find out more).
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This is all very sexual, and I'm not sure if she still counts as a virgin after this experience.
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Whilst it would be quite cool, at this point, to say I've seen a Thai whore launching fireworks from her 'hollow', I haven't. The only time I've been to Thailand was with my girlfriend, and she doesn't really approve of such activities. (She's not a prude, you understand, she just doesn't share my sense of adventure.)
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Anyway, what I meant to say, is that this is the kind of behaviour one expects from a Flame-Retardant-Thai-Whore, not the Virgin-Mary-Manifesting-Herself-As-A-Tree.
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I shall inform the Pope forthwith, and have no doubt that he will take the appropriate action.
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If you are the Pope (or any other ranking member of the Catholic Church having a break), let me know your thoughts on the issue of slatternly behaviour by trees.
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Thursday, 12 July 2007
The Ministry of Defence: Chuffing Wonderful
The Ministry of Defence has just published this wonderfully informative article about soldiers cutting each other's hair.
This is how it starts:
"Forget crimps and curls, tints and blow dry, soldiers both male and female are queuing up at their local hair salon for a simple short back and sides. Except the salon in question is in Afghanistan and the only styles available are a short back and sides or a crew cut! The 'hairdressers' responsible for introducing this service are Captain Emily Brookes...."
I must say it makes me frightfully proud to be British. And it gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling inside, knowing that the MOD has got both Afghanistan and Iraq covered, has sorted out the unmitigated disaster that is defence procurement... and has found time to write thought-provoking, informative and insightful pieces on hair-cuts.
Just in case anyone is wondering, British soldiers have cut each others hair since at least Gulf War One (and, lets face it, probably since we first decided that Afghanistan would be a nice place to spend the winter in 1839). It's about as 'newsworthy' as the fact that there are bad men with guns in Iraq.
If you happen to know the poor benighted cretin who wrote the drivel in question, or indeed, if you are a poor benighted cretin working for the MOD who'd like to stick up for this kind of pointless money-wasting tripe, please feel free to post a reply.
This is how it starts:
"Forget crimps and curls, tints and blow dry, soldiers both male and female are queuing up at their local hair salon for a simple short back and sides. Except the salon in question is in Afghanistan and the only styles available are a short back and sides or a crew cut! The 'hairdressers' responsible for introducing this service are Captain Emily Brookes...."
I must say it makes me frightfully proud to be British. And it gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling inside, knowing that the MOD has got both Afghanistan and Iraq covered, has sorted out the unmitigated disaster that is defence procurement... and has found time to write thought-provoking, informative and insightful pieces on hair-cuts.
Just in case anyone is wondering, British soldiers have cut each others hair since at least Gulf War One (and, lets face it, probably since we first decided that Afghanistan would be a nice place to spend the winter in 1839). It's about as 'newsworthy' as the fact that there are bad men with guns in Iraq.
If you happen to know the poor benighted cretin who wrote the drivel in question, or indeed, if you are a poor benighted cretin working for the MOD who'd like to stick up for this kind of pointless money-wasting tripe, please feel free to post a reply.
Massive Mujahideen Mouse Murdered in West Bank
Hamas TV Kills Off Mickey Mouse Double
AP reports that Hamas television have killed off 'Farfour' a cute little Mickey Mouse look-alike who gave Palestinian children advice on how to fight the Evil Zionists. Farfour was kicked to death by... you've guessed it... a man in a jew suit. The Evil Zionist was trying to buy Farfour's land, the situation got out of control, push-turned-to-shove, and poor of Farfour got the shite kicked out of him and died on the way to hospital (OK, I'm reading between the lines a bit here).
Now, I think that watching a man in a jew-suit kick a man in a giant-mouse-suit to death (preferrably for real, but I'll accept acting if needs be) is quite possibly the best form of entertainment ever conceived. So how do I get Hamas TV on sattelite? Even better, can't we commission Hamas to come and make some programmes for the BBC?
Two other things to ponder. Firstly, how did this happen? I recon it went something like this:
Ahmed (head of scheduling for Hamas Broadcasting Corporation): Something must be done! People are getting slaughtered on the streets for not having fluffy enough beards, people don’t have enough to eat, there are no jobs, no pay, and any minute now the Israelis are going to cut the power again. What can we do?
Mohammed: (studio cleaner): Boss, you know that freakishly large mouse we copied from the Evil Satan Worshippers at Walt Disney and put on the telly to encourage kids to kill Zionists?
Ahmed: Yes, what about him?
Mohammed: How about we put a man in a jew-suit and then have him kick the freakisly large mouse to death, then blame the Jews?
Ahmed: Excellent idea! This will solve all our problems!
Second thingamy to ponder: Who or what should replace Farfour? I think that Wiley Coyote would be great (not very bright, always getting blown up by his own bombs...) Ideas on a postcard please.
AP reports that Hamas television have killed off 'Farfour' a cute little Mickey Mouse look-alike who gave Palestinian children advice on how to fight the Evil Zionists. Farfour was kicked to death by... you've guessed it... a man in a jew suit. The Evil Zionist was trying to buy Farfour's land, the situation got out of control, push-turned-to-shove, and poor of Farfour got the shite kicked out of him and died on the way to hospital (OK, I'm reading between the lines a bit here).
Now, I think that watching a man in a jew-suit kick a man in a giant-mouse-suit to death (preferrably for real, but I'll accept acting if needs be) is quite possibly the best form of entertainment ever conceived. So how do I get Hamas TV on sattelite? Even better, can't we commission Hamas to come and make some programmes for the BBC?
Two other things to ponder. Firstly, how did this happen? I recon it went something like this:
Ahmed (head of scheduling for Hamas Broadcasting Corporation): Something must be done! People are getting slaughtered on the streets for not having fluffy enough beards, people don’t have enough to eat, there are no jobs, no pay, and any minute now the Israelis are going to cut the power again. What can we do?
Mohammed: (studio cleaner): Boss, you know that freakishly large mouse we copied from the Evil Satan Worshippers at Walt Disney and put on the telly to encourage kids to kill Zionists?
Ahmed: Yes, what about him?
Mohammed: How about we put a man in a jew-suit and then have him kick the freakisly large mouse to death, then blame the Jews?
Ahmed: Excellent idea! This will solve all our problems!
Second thingamy to ponder: Who or what should replace Farfour? I think that Wiley Coyote would be great (not very bright, always getting blown up by his own bombs...) Ideas on a postcard please.
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